Friendship is something that I´ve been reflecting on over the last few months, and over the last few weeks, I´ve been clarifying a few things in my head.....
For me, the most obvious starting point is the reality of being a single person living in a culture that focuses (almost obsessively) on the family. How can you establish real friendships in that context?
It seems that for most Guatemalans, their significant relationships are with family, extended family and with life-long friends, who they´re literally known since childhood. So how can a foreigner (especially a single one) become part of these sorts of friendship groups, without waiting a lifetime?
From my perspective, it´s really (really) difficult. After 6 years here, it mostly still feels like I´m an outsider looking in, and not naturally included. That´s not to negate the few good friendships that I do have - I deeply appreciate them, but it is recognising the struggle and isolation that´s involved in making a life for yourself in another country and culture.
That leads me to question so many things....
Is this simply all there is? Is what I experience now in friendships all I can ever expect to have? Perhaps I have expectations of friendships that are just too high and unrealistic, and I should learn to be content with what I have. Perhaps it´s an introvert thing, but I don´t feel content with making small talk with people; I want to know people, what they think, what makes them tick. I want to be able to connect with people on a level to recognises who God has created them to be, but just of the image we portray, or the stereotypes that society puts on us. Don´t misunderstand me - I do appreciate my Guatemalan friends and particularly those few who make efforts to really know me and my culture (as I do theirs) in order to deepen our friendship. But these are few and far between. And I long to develop deeper friendships with people.
I have a feeling that the desire for intimate friendships in which you are known and loved and included in the lives of others is not out of reach. Perhaps it is rare - but I think it´s definitely not impossible. So if that is true, but I´m not experiencing it to the extent that I would like, then it leads me to another question...
Am I doing something wrong? - or not doing something vital that would develop friendships on a deeper level? Is there some cultural key (apart from creating a new family of my own from somewhere!) that I still haven´t grasped that would unlock deeper friendships? Or is it just too soon? Is 6 years not long enough to develop close friendships? How long does it take? (Answers and suggestions on a postcard please!)
Another aspect of this is singleness. As a single person who´s not so young anymore, I´ve observed a few things about friendships with people who get married. There´s a strong tendency that when a friend gets into a serious relationship and then marries, their connection with their single friends diminish, as they naturally focus their time and energy on their marriage and friendships with other couples. Perhaps that´s all good and healthy - except if you´re consistently on the receiving end of friendships that diminish rather than grow, when weddings become events filled with mixed emotions, of being happy for your friend, but sad that you´re losing something of that friendship. That experience tends to drive you into a desire to be in a relationship - which is not a healthy place to be - especially if it´s simply due to a lack of friends! (I´ve written in an earlier post about singleness, so I won´t repeat it here.)
And of course it drives you to a desire to be in a relationship, not an actual relationship itself - (although if you let that desire take over, you might end up there for all the wrong reasons, ) - so ends up in dissatisfaction and disappointment. That´s not where I want to be. In effect that means that my new friends get younger, in that I make friends with people who are younger than me because people my age tend to be married and are mostly not interested in friendships with a single person. (Big generalisation, but generalisations exist because they´re generally true!)
Of course I´m talking about friendships that are more than the polite greetings and initial interest in what I do - which are easy to express and which everyone does. But more than that, I desire friendships that go deeper.
I want to be part of a community in which singles are appreciated in friendships - for all the richness and experience that they bring - rather than just pittied for what they lack. But I´m not very optimistic on that score! So if I can´t change my community or society - then it comes back to me on a personal level.
Whenever I think of this stuff, I´m also confronted with my own selfishness. Perhaps that´s what stops me from simply keeping on giving of myself to others, without noticing or minding when a friendship isn´t reciprocated or initiated by others. (Probably writing this blogpost is a symbol of that selfishness!) But I want to be better. Better at giving (my time, my attention, myself) without thinking about whether I receive or not. (Maybe I never consciously think about it in such a stark way, but perhaps in general there´s a sense of disparity between what I invest in others, and what I receive.)
As I´ve been struggling and mulling this over, over the last week, every day I´ve felt encouraged by reading different passages from the Bible.
"The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
he will make her deserts like Eden, and her wastelands like the garden of the Lord.
Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing."
Isaiah 51: 3
The Message translates that last phrase as
"A place filled with exuberance and laughter, thankful voices and melodic songs."
In the midst of feeling unknown and at times excluded from the people I wish to know and the culture that I long to be a part of, and whilst I strive to be a better friend to people and to work out how to express that in a different culture, there is comfort in knowing that God brings living water to dry lands, and brings joy in unexpected times and places. I´m holding out for that.
Maybe this seems a bit corny, to add a nice Bible passage at the end of a blogpost full of angst and struggle. The reality is that every day, I´m living between the two extremes; on the one hand, struggling with all that I lack, and my own shortcomings in friendships, but on the other hand, trusting in God for his abundance in every situation. When the latter wins over the former, that´s a good day.
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