Over Christmas, I was reading a book about Mother Teresa, ´Come be my light´ - a collection of her private letters which have come to light since her death. It tells a very intersting story - sometimes quite different to what was known of her previously.

As was already well-known, she had a dramatic encounter with Jesus (and subsequently with Mary), which led to her founding the Missionary Sisters of Charity, and began her work with the poor and desperate in Calcutta. Although this venture involved leaving her previoous community, starting from scratch in a completely unchartered path (previous to this, all religious orders in India were focussed on the middle and upper classes), which gained her substantial opposition, yet she was obedient to Jesus´ call because some years earlier, she´d made a solemn vow never to refuse God anything. (Interestingly she never felt any doubt or confusion as to what God was actually asking of her.)

But after that encounter - and for the rest of her life, she felt a 'chasm of spiritual emptiness within her', never feeling God´s presence or comfort during times of prayer or adoration as she had done previously. Other writers have called this sort of thing as 'the dark night of the soul´ or a ´wilderness experience´ but what´s curious is Mother Teresa´s reaction to it. Initially (ie for a decade!), she felt that it was some sort of punishment from God and tried hard to identify her sin in order to confess it. Later she began to understand this distance from God as His answer to her own prayer - to share in Jesus´ sufferings. She recognised that Jesus had experienced abandonment and loneliness on the cross and felt that she was now ministering to him by sharing in that experience. That realisation enabled her to embrace it - inspite of it continuing to cause her great anguish.

The only time that she felt a respite from the 'darkness' inside her was when she ministered directly with the poor and desperate on the streets of Calcutta. There she felt the presence of Jesus -"whatever you did for of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me" (Matt 25:40. I guess it´s not surprising that that became the theme and catchphrase of the Missionary Sisters.

And throughout all of this time of darkness and distance, she continued in her obedience to God, because she was completely certain of His calling on her life, and she could not refuse him.