Home?

Last weekend, I attended the debrief weekend for all the Latin Link Steppers and Striders (our short term programmes) who have returned this year. It was great to catch up with a few of the people who have been out to Guatemala this last year. But it also brought clarity to a few things I´ve been thinking over.

A while back, I heard a sermon or maybe I read a blog or something..... but anyway, it was from a guy who had been married about 10 years. He said that as he looked back to his wedding day, he now realised that on that day, he had absolutely no idea what he was letting himself in for! In fact, there was no way in which he could have known, because there are incredible joys and challenges that you just can´t understand without living through them.

I think there´s a similar thing with going into mission, or living in another culture for another reason. At the time of leaving, it can be a fairly straight forward decision, between one option or another. But a few years down the line, you look back and realise just how much that decision changed you, not only for the intervening years, but forever.

One aspect of this for those in mission is 'home'. When you leave to live in another culture, of course you understand that you are in some degree giving up home - almost regardless of the timescale involved -- you are deciding to leave the physical space you have previously called home in order to start again in another place.

But on your return, a greater understanding of the depth of that decision comes. I´ve begun to realise that it´s not the physical space or a particular house that is given up - but actually the concept of home. Home is where you are understood and where you understand what is going on around you. Where you are amongst people who just 'get you'. That is what you have given up.

When I arrived at the debrief venue, I was met by someone who had been in Guatemala for 9 months. She immediately hugged me tight, and cried for a good while, and when she eventually stood back, she said that she´d been so looking forward to the weekend, because it meant being with people who 'just understood'.

That´s the thing with living in another culture: it does something to you at a deeper level, that changes you, that makes it impossible to adequately answer the question 'How was Guatemala?'- when people are expecting a succinct pithy (and positive) response. It´s just impossible to summarise all the challenges, personal doubts, re-evaluations, joys, loneliness, intense spiritual growth, and experiences into a 30 second (one minute if you´re lucky) soundbite that your enquirer is looking for.

Living in another culture, your worldview is changed, your habits are changed, so that when you come back 'home', it no longer feels like you fit. That´s quite apart from all the cultural references (TV shows, local news etc etc) that you have missed out on. And yet, it´s also impossible to completely feel at home in your new culture. No matter how long you stay and adapt to the new place, you´ll always be different, and have to explain some aspects of who you are.

So this is why, when people ask me 'Is it good to be home?' - there´s usually a bit of umming and errring in my response. Some continue with 'I suppose you must feel like Guatemala is your home now?' - sometimes there´s a bit more umming and erring in response to that too. Because on one level, both of them feel like 'home', and on another, neither of them do. I realise that I have given up the right to have a 'home'.

And that´s why my friend at the weekend, felt so relieved to be with people who had shared a similarly intense experience, so could 'just understand'.

It´s a rare grace to be amongst people who you can be completely yourself with, and one I want to celebrate whenever I come across it. But it´s funny that sometimes, it´s those who you meet for quite short times along the journey but have shared some of the intensity of the experience. Other times it´s those people who have known you deeply for so long, that the differences now, don´t seem to matter. But it´s a gift all the same.